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Get your Stinking Paws Off Me, You Damn Dirty Ape!

The revolution has begun!
That's really the only reason I can think of that this qualifies as 'News'.

I'd be watching for Roddy McDowall, if I were them...

Anyway, I did this for three reasons:

  1. We have a serious lack of Charlton Heston quotes. Moses cannot be ignored. Remember, guns don't kill people, Chuck Heston kills people. (I would personally pay big money to see a to-the-death cage match between Heston and William Shatner. But that's for another day.)
  2. Up until now, we have remained monkey-free. There must be a lobby group somewhere waiting to protest at any moment. Sooner or later, SFRPIB (the Society for Fair Referencing of Primates in Blogs) will strike.
  3. Seriously. C'mon. A Canadian or two is injured in a plane crash, a Canadian was in the area of an earthquake, a Canadian was injured by a clan of rogue ninja chimps. The first two, I could see as being valid in a news sense - the families like to know these things, and often the news gets the message out that someone has survived faster than the spotty telecommunications in some parts of the world.
But injured in a chimp attack?

The family is probably denying that they know the poor schlub. What's remarkable about this is they must have edited out the laughter of the police as they talked to the press.
What precipitated the attack? I don't know - someone was wearing Calvin Klein's Eau de Banane or something - or maybe the chimps found out the guy/girl was Canadian, assumed they were from Hollywood, and were auditioning for the sequel to King Kong.
My point is, this isn't news, it's the stuff that gets shoved into the last slot on the newscast as one mindless pile of clothes smiles, turns to the other, and says, "Oh, I saw monkeys at the zoo." Congratulations, Muffy, I'm proud of you. You've learned what a 'zoo' is.

I don't mean to disregard or belittle the fact that someone died, I'd just like to make clear the fact that I, personally, have no intention of dying in such an embarassing manner. Saving a child from a fire? Fine. Hail of bullets as I save the lives of a busload of nuns? Cool by me.
Maniacal monkeys? Not a chance.

Unless, of course, I end up saving a child from a fire, saving a busload of nuns, and dying in a hail of bullets fired by maniacal monkeys. That would be news.

Then it's me & Chuck, against the world:
"It's a madhouse! A maaaadhouse!"

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